Knowing

The struggle to hold onto knowing He is present while in great, constant pain --

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King, and Lord, and Priest On High, but truly – who are you? – please tell me who –

            To what did I surrender, to what yield, with promise, promise of knowing – knowing –

Great Being unseen, for what came I to you, for what at first, what power to view –

            Did I expect, plan forward, plan future, demand, somehow, a might of showing –

Expect something unneeded, anything at all but the word said by brothers – free?

Did not I know then, heaven’s opening, all making a life, as life I see, should then be?

 

Since then, what known?   What knowing?  What great and greater pain, sorrow more than ever ‘fore had,

            A dry desert of life, and prospects dismal unending, all my faults and flaws outward seen,

To people I love, but wish ardently did not know these; my face filthy with the selfish, my brethren sad,

            Never, never wanted I to be the one disarrayed, desperate, helpless, far past any help been –

Is this the knowing I received – clear vision of depths toward which I sink?

                        Not ever did I ask for this, to see, this you want me to see, did I think!

I would grab the joy again – capture that I thought I felt, only a moment it seemed; you won’t again,

            Hand me that glad day?  But you remind me of blood, red of anger, encrusted color of travail,

What of blood – what of it?  What of blood?  Know deeper, can I, any better this knowing so insane,

            If you suffered for me, then why do I?  Where the end?  When the last time I will fail?

 

O King, and Lord, and Priest On High, but truly – what was Truth, the truth that you me gave –

            What did I accept, accede to, what yield, what management, my days, to you, for . . . knowing –

For knowing – Great Being unseen, why bowed I to you, for what did you, me do work to save –

            Did I expect, plan for – miss something said, not understand words about your presence flowing?

Did I wrongly reason to see more power than what, my bare existence, props?

Surely not the slave I am to all that drags, and strangles, and here, at nowhere, stops! 

 

Since my life has become yours, then of what is it made?  Is there so much there for me –

            That I could some way, never ask, for more than holdings now, wanting, ever wanting,

Blessings numbered, listed, marked off, awaited, time received, who with received, my plea –

            Was it so much – did not you say to bring it, needs and wants, and for you panting,

Is this the knowing I received – so many misery days, sans one desire

                        Being satisfied, but only borèd wrath, upwards to you, prayers self entire –

I would grasp again assurance, be sure second time, or first, of loving, full, high feeling convince,

            Is your caring so complete, would universe-enclosing care so leave me thus?

You remind of want – you bring me want I never, never thought to bear, knew not all days since,

            And shy away from you – what purpose come, subject none but hurt, between us?

 

O King I bow to, Lord, and Priest On High to seek, will day now dawned be different, hour or week?

            What did I agree to, all embrace, seeing path none other, one road to knowing, only –

For knowing – Great Being unseen . . . but are you so unseen?  Will I look, look back, then would I speak –

            What knowing I miss did, can I it remember somehow – when, contraire my sight, were not least

                                 lonely,

                        Precipice not tumbled over; or brief time when I, on some notion from you, boldly acted,

                        And afterward, with that kindness to your credit – not mine – and I willingly refracted . . .

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Since that first promise were received, so much not heard in promise, too, is arrived,

            Did I agree that every promise, evil, good, should come, and on my shoulders, back come drape?

But all the promises were there – protection means attack, deprivèd state before we’ve thrived,

            I did not comprehend . . . but what did I know – what?  The promise to fully, fully escape –

                        This is the knowing I received – but did I clasp full? No, ‘cause I could not,

                        That joy it did come first, but why it feel when losing it sure, such knowing ought

Be for later, much later; would that I had never dared to take, to myself, so, so full of greed,

            Such thought, such wretched thought, that I would never, never that huge choice regret,

Please, may my knowing be of twisted roads ahead and hills so high, and every day that need,

            This, too, is the knowing – do I really know now? – can my mind, calm, be set?

           

O King, and Lord, and Priest On High, but truly – new depth of knowing, my help for it makes glad;

I spoke of promises.  What did you promise?  Sometimes be clearly seen, but others, foggèd, blurred,

And I – will I fail again, certain seems, to e’en to recall the pledge from starting, always, always had,

            Somehow, somehow, knowing, knowing; bring back to mind all promises, at start, were heard,

                        Help me, Source of help, only Source, forgotten so easy, why? How? so readily do lose,

                        Yet I know, I have that knowing, that there’s none, none, none other, I may choose.